Alone

I have always cherished being alone. When I am alone the solitude surrounds me, sucks me in, and I disappear into a comforting void. There is nothing more satisfying than the release I feel when I lock myself away. I am alone and I am at peace. I think being alone for an extended period of time is dangerous for me. One time I locked myself away for much longer than I should have. As the weeks passed by I watched my brain slowly ripping itself apart. The shadows inside my head started to escape. I felt like I was going crazy. I felt like myself. I loved that feeling.

When you spend a lot of time alone you have a lot of time to think about aloneness. I thought about aloneness a lot during those weeks when my brain was ripping itself apart. Now I know that all of us are absolutely and inescapably alone. From the moment you burst into the light, to the moment the darkness drags you back, you are alone. You will live a vibrant and beautiful and terrible life that no one can ever comprehend. You are alone. This may be uncomfortable to you. You will deal with this discomfort alone.

Sometimes I go to the park. I love the park. I walk by groups of smiling people basking in the sun on the banks of the river. They are all alone. Occasionally I lock eyes with one of these people. They stare at me. I stare back. I can almost see the shadows hiding deep inside their skull. I know their shadows are screaming. My shadows are screaming all the time. The stranger gives me a nod. I flash them a smile. They smile back. We are both alone.

People suffocate me. I smile and I choke. I choke alone. I do not know how to show them my shadows. I can not show them my shadows. People dilute me. This is an unhealthy way to think. This is what I think. People make my shadows retreat further inside me. People make me want to be alone. It is hopeless. I do not want to share who I am. I am not comfortable with who I am. I am alone. I want people to leave me alone. I want to be alone. I think you should be alone too.

I am thankful for my family and friends. I have laughed with them. I have cried with them. They have seen all different parts of me. They have not seen the shadows. They do not know who I am. I am alone. I am scared of my family and friends. I do not know who they are. I will never see their shadows. My family and friends are just as alone as me. I do not want to know who they are. They must stay alone. I must stay alone. We must stay alone. I feel sick. I desperately want to not be alone. I want the impossible. We must all stay alone. We must all remain ourselves.

There is nothing to be sad about. We are alone and we are human. There is nothing to be sad about. I am alone and so are you. Treasure your shadows. Keep them buried deep inside of you. You can not let them out. There is nothing to be sad about. I am going to lock myself away again. I am going to let my brain rip itself apart again. I am going to spend time with my shadows again. I am going to be myself again. I am going to be happy again. I am going to be human. I am going to be alone.